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A hillbilly's Valentine

Cabbage is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silka-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the trout, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyways.

Yo're as satisfy'n as bacon jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a mossie a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Punkin Pie with a Tui cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at K-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the florris in town. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever,"they explain, swarve and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW OUTBOARD MOTOR!!Luv, from yor romeo

• **

'Lord I have a problem.'

'What's that Eve?'

'I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, as well as the comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.'

'And why is that Eve?'

'Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.'

'Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'

'Man? What is that Lord?'

'A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; in all he'll give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will need your advice about most things he tries to do in life.'

'Sounds great,' said Eve.

'But there is a catch,' said God.

'Oh, what's that?'

'You can have him on one condition. He'll be proud and arrogant and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret....you know woman to woman.

• **

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God. - Mary Manin Morrissey.

Have a great week!